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The time to indulge in outright fangirl frivolousness shall be curtailed with the arrival of serious road racing and time trialing, both to to be analyzed and dissected daily. As their advent approaches, I pause to recollect the unrivaled, unparalleled moments of fangirl ecstasy I have experienced with my kindred, those fellow fangirl who enjoy objectifying male cyclists not only for their abilities but for their appearance. Oh, how I loathe for this time to evaporate for helmets and sunglasses will obscure the beauty of hair and eyes, but I shall persevere; I survived it before, but the imagination predicts insurmountable CycloCross obstacles on this journey. So onward I trudge, into the drought of opportunity to discuss such petty matters as pretty men for cycling fanaticism requires the utmost solemn stoicism; anything less than the absolute logic of the Vulcans will get one expelled from most forums during the season because athletes should be purely valued for their athletic abilities, not partially valued for their performances because their cuteness, cunningness, and/or charmingness sways the emotions by what is dubbed "affability" or "likability." Having stated these statements, I have tormented and tortured the cranium cavities of the readership because I enjoy the occasional enjoyment of flowery long-winded statements better suited to the likes of Edward Bulwer-Lytton. If my literary reference confounds the mind, fear not for I am getting to the true reason for this post after this lame marathon of excuses to post my First Annual List of Peloton Pretties, Specials, and Uglies where I spurn all that is literary for that which is "liek totolly shallo [sic]" only to be attacked for not listing Ivan Basso and Linus Gerdemann as Pretties.

Miss Sansen Presents Her First Annual List of Peloton Pretties, Specials, and Uglies

The Pretties
Criteria: Is this cyclist someone you would want to be stranded in alternate dimension/on desert island with for several months which may result in romantic relationship regardless of his current maritial status, thus proving that romance novels can be true to life?

Daniele Bennati
Lars Boom
Tom Boonen
Matti Breschel
Marcus Burghardt
Fabian Cancellara
Sylvain Chavanel-Albira
Alberto Contador Velasco
Philippe Gilbert
Edvald Boasson Hagen
Thomas Lövkvist
Maxime Monfort
Oscar Pereiro Sio
Kai Reus
Andy Schleck
Fränk Schleck
Alejandro Valverde Belmonte
Christian Vande Velde

The Specials
Criteria: Is this cyclist someone you would want to invite to your awesome party where alcohol may be served that might cause you to behave in unladylike ways as you fawn over them before fainting/vomiting on them?

Niels Albert
John-Lee Augustyn
Rahsaan Bahati
Gerald Ciolek
Steven Cozza
Mike Creed
Óscar Freire Gómez
Juan Antonio Flecha Giannoni
Simon Gerrans
George Hincapie
Thor Hushovd
Bobby Julich
Karsten Kroon
Robbie McEwen
Denis Menchov
David Millar
Stuart O'Grady
Danny Pate
Carlos Sastre
Jens Voigt
Erik Zabel
Dave Zabriskie

The Uglies
Criteria: Is this cyclist someone whose image/persona could be used to torment you in Purgatory?

Paolo Bettini
Johan Bruyneel
Mark Cavendish
Mario Cipollini
Damiano Cunego
Tyler Hamilton
Vladimir Karpets
Bernhard Kohl
Floys Landis
Sven Nys
Franco Pellizotti
Filippo Pozzato
Michael Rasmussen
Riccardo Ricco
Stefan Schumacher

Note: This list is incomplete and is subject to change, perhaps subject to change due to the dictates of my hormones.

Comments

( 8 Spokes — Speak Up )
helsy33
Jan. 7th, 2009 12:22 am (UTC)
I'm not sure my list of pretties could be so limited, but i mostly agree. Except Burghardt!! What? The inclusion of him but the exclusion of Basso/Gerdemann seems crazy! But since you are usually right i shall go with it.

However, perhaps i will have to create my own lists to check the differences..
sansenmag
Jan. 7th, 2009 01:23 am (UTC)
The lists isn't all-encompassing so there's room for fun arguments like attempts to get me to type "LIEK ZOMG LINUS IS HOOOOT!!!" or such other nonsense. As for me being "usually" right, well, that is not likely.
bridget16
Jan. 7th, 2009 07:38 am (UTC)
I'm glad to see Edvald there but I am undecided on your decision to place Lars Boom on the list! I think you should include Vino in the uglies. He needs to lose the idea of a comeback.
sansenmag
Jan. 7th, 2009 06:34 pm (UTC)
Dude, how could I have forgotten Vino!?
allezandy
Jan. 7th, 2009 11:20 am (UTC)
First: my compliments for the criteria. I'm still laughting. Cheking list will take some extra-time.
ps
I like Burghardt so I agree about his inclusion. In TdF he was too funny!
sansenmag
Jan. 7th, 2009 06:35 pm (UTC)
Burghardt is so underappreciated among the German cyclists.
allezandy
Jan. 7th, 2009 12:37 pm (UTC)
Well, I have seriously cheked your list and these are my conclusions.
I must add an extra-cathegory: 'the prettiests', in wich I put only Andy and Fränk. I'd like to spend several months and also all my life in a more or less desert place (desert enough to avoid that Rina and Martine come to claim for them) in their exclusive and romantic company. But I'm afraid that they would exclude me chating together all the time... Perhaps it's better one Schleck at a time?
About the second cathegory, with less strict criteria (less desert place, less time together, less romantic expectations) I agree with putting in:
Daniele Bennati
Matti Breschel
Marcus Burghardt
Fabian Cancellara
Sylvain Chavanel-Albira
Thomas Lövkvist
...but I must add Linus Gerdeman and Ivan Basso. Really do you think Chavanel is better (aestheticly) then them? And also Dave Zabriskie (without beard): I like him. I would exlcude somebody... You have been more generous here (too generous, in my opinion...) but perhaps I think so because of my teetotallity (it's the right word?).
About The Uglies, I'd exclude Cav (I tollerate him better then you) and Cunego (ok, in TdF he sucked, but in Lombardy was great, I saw all this race in tv. And then he has beautiful blue eyes. I don't like him so much, but he's nice) and add Rebellin and Armstrong. Rebellin smile is horrifying and I'm really bored (I'd like to use a more vulgar expression, but my English doesn't support me) with Sir Lance!
sansenmag
Jan. 7th, 2009 06:44 pm (UTC)
Hmm, Zabriskie is cute, but not pretty for me. I am being just "plain old stubborn" about Ivan and Linus because I can be. As for Chavanel, I have no idea why he enchants me so but he does so on my list he goes.

I know that Cav is not ugly, just arrogant, but he is on the list because my mood has run afoul of him (for now) since I am tired of his interviews being everywhere. I know many people heart them some Damiano but what annoys me most, besides his bleached hair, is what he describes as his main characteristic on his website: A WINNER!!! Yes, he wins, but something about him just irritates me. Oh yeah, I forgot about Rebellin; he is creepy like old man stalker. As for Lance, well, I refuse to acknowledge his existance on my list.
( 8 Spokes — Speak Up )